December 14, 2007 (the date of publication in Russian)
Andrey Kachin, Andron Oslin, and Foma Grekhov
AMERICA-2008: AN ALTERNATIVE SCENARIO
Cheney to shove Bush off his bike and Wolfowitz to be whipped by hordes of minorities
Prospects of a probable transformation of the political system of the United States have been excessively discussed on our website. Still, those scenarios until today lacked flamboyance and magnitude. We'll try today to supply the desideratum in the following piece.
Unbridling our fantasy but still relying on facts of political and personal relations, our report, involving renowned futurologists, would include a misfortunate option of an unfolding deterioration of the US political situation, starting with a supposed attempt of the personally cornered and politically dismayed team of US neocons to undertake a coup d'etat.
In this version, on the indicative day of 9/11, 2008, magic seven years after the first Al Qaeda attack, US President George W. Bush would perish in a bike accident during a joint ride across his own estate with VP Dick Cheney.
The event would stay unknown to the public, as hours later Al Qaeda would attack the White House and the Congress building on planes with no identification signs. Most of the Reps would perish; Condoleeza Rice would be fatally jammed in a WC. Meanwhile, media would report that two unrecognized submarines have approached the coastline of Cuba, disembarking an assault force that would assault the Guantanamo base.
The attack would be repelled but by the end of the same day, a person resembling Osama bin Laden would appear in the Web and threaten with more terror unless authorities disagree to release the Guantanamo convicts.
Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and ex-President Jimmy Carter would promptly propose road map negotiations but find themselves under house arrest.
At this moment, VP Dick Cheney would eventually address the American people, tragically acknowledge Bush's death, and introduce the Anti-Terrorist Amendment to the Constitution, suspending operation of all other amendments as untimely. The National Guard would disperse rallies and demonstrations while columns of marines would march into major cities.
Soon thereafter, FBI would capture Barak Obama, who (after a sound waterboard treatment) would confess of having converted into Islam as far back as in 1992, and disclose his Al Qaeda membership card; in his home, FBI would find his photos with bin Laden, and a map of Washington with target marks. The marines would win back Guantanamo, overthrowing Fidel Castro on their way, for the only purpose to reserve a perfect cell for the terrible Obama. Meanwhile, another squad of marines would storm the headquarters of Nation Islam, discovering maps of all major cities with target marks. All the Nation Islam's ministers and their relatives would be deported to Alaska and waterboarded in the Arctic.
Still, the Obama-Osama ferment would be reported as still persisting, and Cheney would legalize Ku Klux Klan and Lynch trials as corresponding with authentic traditions of American law. A year thereafter, US citizens would unanimously vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger, a relaxed Cheney returning to the post of VP. Elections to the Senate and House would be still forbidden by then, as the curfew would be still on. With his first executive act, Mr. Schwarzenegger would rule to confiscate all the PCs, handies, and to destroy Internet communications declared as an invention of treacherous Democratic designers for the benefit of their Islamic cronies. Bill Gates will receive a life sentence as the chief mastermind.
Meanwhile, with reference to severe destruction in Washington, the capital of the United States would be transferred to Houston, Texas.
The triumph of Schwarzenegger's victory would be imprinted in a movie entitled Terminator 5, where Schwarzenegger eventually penetrates into Osama's cave in Afghanistan, annihilating him from the twenty-first attempt. On the eve of the next elections, the movie would be broadcasted on all TV channels, and Schwarzenegger and Cheney would be triumphantly inaugurated again.
Still, random factors would disrupt the idyll. Dick Cheney would die of overfishing, while Schwarzenegger, confusing reality with movies, would go off his chumps and fatally leap out of the second-floor window. The vacuum of power would be promptly filled by the Cheney team, endorsing Paul Wolfowitz for Presidency. Recognizing his exceptional responsibility, he would first pack his Arabic lady into Guantanamo.
In order to gain sympathies, Mr.Wolfowitz would pull on a new suit, wash his hair and start distributing the confiscated handies. This concession would be immediately used by Greenpeace and Earth First!, allied with feminists, gays and lesbians, and disabled. The insurrection will be headed by Ralph Nader, Michael Jackson and the released Leonard Peltier, who would summon Democratic troikas for flagellating neocons. The liberated Obama would take a gift from the liberated Gates, and win the 2016 elections, but Peltier would declare independence of all indigenous lands. The initiative would be greeted by other groups of supports, establishing feminist, gay, lesbian, and disabled statehood in parts of what had once been the United States.
At the sight of this sport, an impressed Osama bin Laden would repent, give up arms, and retire to a Taoist monastery.
As you could guess, the insightful forecast is inspired by the recently published report of Andrew Kuchins, Anders Aslund, and Thomas Graham. The probability of its coming true is not higher than a fall of an asteroid. Still, any joke contains a grain of truth, and we urge the audience not to blame us if some of this futurology coincides with real future.
Number of shows: 1003
ENG 
